Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace

Do you ever have those moments where, when you look back on them, you can't even remember what you were thinking at the time, in a good way? Like something or Someone else had taken you over for awhile to accomplish something amazing?

I had that on Saturday night. As I mentioned in the most recent quick takes, I went on a Youth retreat as a Lifeteen Core member with a bunch of grade 9-12s. Now, I think Lifeteen gets a bad rap sometimes; yes, sometimes parishes can do Lifeteen badly, and you end up splitting the Church, and teaching liturgical abuse to teens. But I really like it in my Parish. We have people across all age groups that attend our 6pm Sunday Mass, music that, while it isn't Gregorian Chant, is not "I'm Trading My Sorrows (Say What?)", and a bunch of really fantastic teenagers who are (hopefully) learning a bunch.

We had 35 people from 14-31 years old--the thirty-somethings being our Youth Minister and our Priest--bunk down at a camp over the weekend. We talked about St. Paul and his conversion experience. How he had to give a lot of things up. How neither the Jews, nor the Christians (at first anyways) wanted him. How, after he got literally knocked to the ground by God, he still had to make the same choice to follow Him the next day.

So I told them my story. Except, it wasn't really me doing the talking. I had next to nothing written down, but my talk was smooth and coherent, and they were all listening. It was the Holy Spirit. So now I'm praying that my story can help some of those kids not make the same choices I made. Choices like pre-marital sex at 16. Choices like choosing boys over friends. Choices like choosing partying over everything else, just to fill the emptiness. Choices like thinking that a human boy could fill the hole in my heart that only God can fill.

Those were my choices. I'm grateful and filled with joy to say that those are not the choices that I make now. I got "knocked down" by God when he used a radio ad to bring me to the Evangelical church, which He used to finally get me to see that He is so in love with me, that He just wants to be with me. But it was a struggle to go against my old ways, a struggle that I continue to do everyday. But still, those choices are part of who I was. Who I am. My heart is glad at the thought that they can be used to make someone else's path a bit straighter.

Romans 8:28 - "God works all things to the good for those who love Him, and who are called according to His purpose."

I pray that this is the good that came out of those things in my past.

Learning how to Smile and Nod

Why is it so hard to take criticism? There's an automatic gut reaction that I get whenever someone tries to correct me. It's that darn pride that tries to say "You don't need correction." But if you follow that thought to the logical conclusion, it breaks down. You're really saying "You don't need correction... you're perfect." Which automatically should ring a couple bells.

I don't know about you, but I find it even harder to be gracious when it's a peer who is trying to help you out.

I'm taking a choral conducting course for my Bachelor of Education, Music Major degree. I walked into class today with a spring in my step, having gone to the gym this morning, and then had a very productive homework session. I felt on top of my school work and thought that I was finally settling into this semester (halfway through the semester, but you know, what does that matter?).

I walked in and asked the Professor "Do we need the textbook today?" as I had enough time to go get it if we did.

"No" she assured me with a smile. "Oh wait, there's the three people doing their conducting assignments for today!"

I exited the classroom with a little less spring and a bit more trepidation. I was, in fact, one of those three who was supposed to conduct today. Had I prepared? Nope.

It becomes my turn and she corrects me more than any of the others, but I figure it's what I deserve after not even looking at the thing. Of course, it hurt the ego a bit, especially considering that my prof in my other conducting class tells me that I do good things and so I was starting to think that I knew what I was doing with this conducting stuff.

Well, the good Lord always enjoys finding ways to keep us humble. I just wish it didn't sting so much.

This is exactly what I feel like sometimes

To add a bit more salt to my wounded ego, a guy named Colin approached me after class. Colin already has a music degree and is now doing an after degree in Education. He starts telling me that I might do better if I keep a strong stance, rather than allowing myself to lean forward to get the feeling. Which I know is something I need to work on.

But then he told me the same thing in five different ways.

Thank you Lord for giving me what I need, which is not more food for my ego.

I just have to remind myself that he means well, and that he is making valid points.

Except there's that one part of me that's going "What right does HE have to tell me what to do."

Does anyone else feel like a split personality sometimes?

Anyways, aren't you guys proud of me for posting on a day other then Friday? ...there goes that pride again...

40 Day Rosary Challenge

As I think I mentioned before, I'm part of the Lifeteen Core for my parish this year. Sunday's night was called "Give it Away Now: The Oh Baby Edition". Basically we were collecting items for our local pregnancy crisis centre and educating the teens about abortion.

It was kind of perfect timing because 40 days for life starts on Tuesday. I think I fired up at least a few of them with the stats such as over 5000 abortions happen each year in our city alone (Our city has less than 1 million people so that's kind of a big deal). We also talked about the fact that being pro-life just makes sense. This might be politically incorrect to say so, but life, human life, trumps any sort of choice I make. Why do humans suddenly become valuable only after birth?

When I was in summer school I met a guy named Dan. Dan and his girlfriend are pregnant, and their baby is due in December. The fact that he seemed excited, even though he was a bit scared, was heartwarming. Then one day he was talking about his baby and a girl named Amanda came in halfway through the conversation. The conversation went something like this:

Picture taken from
a great Rosary and Chaplet homebased business

A: "Oh, you had your baby?"
D: "No, he's due in December."
A: "Oh, I thought you said you were a dad."
D: "...I am a Dad, he's just not born yet."

Fatherhood begins in the womb. Dan loves that baby boy. Why does it make any difference if that baby is inside or outside of the womb? Motherhood begins in the womb too. Why does a few months mean the possible difference between life and death for a human being?

So I challenged the teens, and now I'm challenging you. Whoever reads this blog, or this post or whatever. I challenged the teens to spend the next 40 days (coinciding with 40 days for life!) praying a Rosary everyday for the unborn and all the women and men who feel so desperate that they have to kill their child. I also said that if the Rosary feels too daunting, they can say a decade, or even a single Hail Mary. But if we can join our voices to the ones outside the abortion clinics now, I think we can change everything. We can rehumanize the unborn, and save lives.

Something I thought was fitting: I will be praying my daily Rosary on my baby pink Rosary I've had since I was born. It's the only Rosary I have, so it's not like I can use anything else. But still, it fits.

Why I Need Grace

I've been trying to make a point, since school started, to go to daily Mass at my University - when my class schedule allows for it. It ends up being twice weekly because Tuesdays and Thursdays are full class/work days, and on Mondays they do Adoration instead of Mass. I didn't really notice any earth-shattering changes in myself by going to Mass, until last week, when I didn't go either Wednesday or Friday.

My justification for not going was that I needed to get school work done and it "wasn't an obligation anyways". That was my first mistake. When I get into a rut of only doing what I'm obligated to do my relationship with God stops being an intimate friendship where I'm dying to spend time with Him and starts being more like that kiss your Mom forces you to give to your second-cousin-twice-removed-who-you-call-Aunt before you can run off and play. It's like, instead of wanting to be with God and taking time out of my day to hang out with Him, I'm saying that we'll meet up later.


Anyways, by Friday I was doing things my way instead of His way. By Sunday morning I was a grumpy and weepy mess. Then J, that wonderful man that God led into my life, showed me why God led him into my life by cheering me up and bringing me back on the right path. So by Sunday night, when I went to the Lifeteen Mass I was ready for one of the best Masses I've been to in awhile. I found the readings to be just popping out at me, and I swear, I heard parts of the Mass that I've never heard before.

So today, I went to Adoration. My heart feels at rest, I feel calm and at peace. So I need to remind myself that even when I think that I can't go to Mass, that I need to. I need it for my soul.

There are so many wrong attitudes and ideas that rush at me everyday. That little chapel in the middle of my University feels a bit like an oasis. A haven among the rush of the day.

Taking Care of Business or Learning How to Trust God More

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but as well as being a full time student, I also work two part time jobs. You see, God has been testing me as of late in the area of money. First I couldn't get a decent paying job to save my life, even after applying for about 20. I did however, manage to get a job at my favourite clothing store.

Except, working in your favourite store doesn't really help the whole saving money for school thing. 

When I was interviewing for the amazingly exciting position of Sales Associate, she promised me that I would be able to get about 20-25 hours a week. That is less than I wanted, but for sure doable. 

I think, out of the whole summer (May-August) that I had off from school that I worked above 20 hours maybe 3 or 4 weeks. 

So I was stressed about money. I pay my own tuition, and while it is for sure cheaper than some schools in the US it's not peanuts. Most people I know have to hold down a job or two or get student loans (or both) to make it through. But, thankfully this year I am in my fifth year of school (probably the only reason I'm thankful to be in my fifth year) and after you are out of high school for four years, your parents' income no longer counts against you for student loans. 

As well, there was a little bit of silver lining in having to apply for student loans. When they accepted my application they also awarded me two bursaries (yay for free money!). The bursaries are called Low Income Grants (yay for being broke...?) 

All in all, things were looking up financially. My student debt is around $5000 and I was going to squeak by this year. Then God decided I needed to learn how to trust a little more. In July I got into a car accident. 

Thank goodness I wasn't hurt. At least not seriously. But my cute little yellow, almost new Pontiac, the going-to-last-me-until-I-have-kids-and-need-a-four-door car had to be written off. As I still owed money on the car the insurance pay-out went to that and basically left me with not enough to buy a new car. 

Sigh, I really liked that car. 

Anyways, hence the two jobs. One is still at the aforementioned clothing store, and the other is at the Information Booths around campus. 

I'm thinking that God must have a lot of faith in me to throw all this at me. Sometimes I find myself wishing though, that he didn't trust me quite so much. 

Do an OGRE daily

I'm volunteering as a member of Core on my parish's Lifeteen youth group this year. As part of it, we had to attend a mandatory leader's retreat this weekend. Mike, our youth minister, gave us a handy little acronym that will help us grow in holiness, and I wanted to share it with you, along with some of my own commentary.

O - morning OFFERING - start out your morning by saying a simple prayer dedicating your day and everything you do in it to God. This is something that I often forget to do, simply because I do most of my specific prayers at night before bed. But I'm trying! I think I'm going to take his advice about taping a reminder on my mirror.

G - say GRACE - say grace before every meal. This helps us become more grateful, and gets us praying at least three times during the day. This one is hard for me, especially for breakfast and lunch, simply because I'm not in the habit of it. Also, doing a sign of the cross is still a bit intimidating for me in public, but it's another thing I'm working on. J and I have gotten decent at praying before dinner when we eat together, so the rest of it is something that I'm trying to work on.

R - READ your Bible - this is something that my stint at the Protestant Church really helped with. They really advocate reading the Bible, since it is basically their only source of authority. But Catholic's should read it too! It such an important way that God communicates with us. Right now I am in the midst of trying to read the whole Bible in a year. It's a good discipline exercise, and also helps me to learn more about the people in the Bible.

E - EXAMINATION of conscience - essentially, before you go to bed you should examine yourself for any sins that you may have committed throughout the day, ask forgiveness for them, and assess whether you should go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation or not.

Hopefully this will help you on your journey to God, I think it's starting to help me, and I'm going to keep on working on it!

Off to School

Today was my first day of the school year. I had sort of forgotten how many students there are when campus is full (about 35 000). Among those 35 000 about 30 joined me for the daily Mass. I feel so blessed to have a campus with a Catholic college that operates through the University. They offer Mass everyday except for Monday as well as Adoration and Confession. The Priests that I have met are all fairly orthodox but they get students; they get our needs and our lifestyle temptations. 

I had actually forgotten about the Mass today, but as I got out of class about 20 minutes before it started and was trying to figure out what to do for the next two hours I had before my next class, I literally heard a voice inside my head telling me to go to Mass. It was the best part of my whole day. The moment I walked through the chapel doors I felt just peace wash over me and I had to fight to keep an ear to ear grin off my face. 

The best part was how perfectly the Mass readings fit with the fact that it was the first day. If you missed it, the first reading was Col 3:1-11:

 ¹ If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. ³For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. ⁵ Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. ⁶ On account of these the wrath of God is coming. ⁷ In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. ⁸But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. ⁹ Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices ¹⁰and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. ¹¹Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.

Basically it was the perfect reminder that I need to be living for Christ all the time; I can't separate Him from my school life. It also helped me to know that I did the right thing by not going to the party last night. Plus, after I spent time talking with some of the other students that were at Mass, which is helping me with my prayer/goal of making more Catholic friends.

So overall, good first day, and it's all thanks to Jesus.

Back to School...

I'm going into my fifth year of University starting next week. See I went into Engineering straight out of high school. Even though I had spent the whole year wondering if I actually wanted to be an engineer. Also despite the fact that I was in band, choir, drama, jazz choir and was Tzeitel in my school's rendition of Fiddler on the Roof. So fast forward 2 years and I'm doing my first co-op term. This time also coincided with the restarting of my faith journey and the joining of the Evangelical church. So for about 3 weeks in a row the preaching was all about finding your passion because that is what is given to you from God and you're supposed to use it for God. Except I had no idea what my passion was. I had a passion for music but was knee deep in an Engineering degree. Then I went to the young adults conference (where I also met J for the first time - talk about a life changing weekend!!) and had the whole weekend of preaching to find your passion and use it for the glory of God. So I had the Pastors pray for me to help me find my passion, and I got an image of teaching in my mind.

Now, my Mom is a teacher and she has spent my whole life not overly enjoying her career, and subtly/not-so-subtly trying to steer me away from teaching. But I started researching, and before I knew it I was switching into the Faculty of Education. I love it.

Although now, I'm not so sure that I'm going to actually use my degree a whole lot. See, even before I switched faculties I knew that if I could find a man who could support a family on his salary alone that I wanted to be a stay at home Mom (SAHM). Now when I made the switch I didn't even have a boyfriend. Now J and I have had the SAHM talk and it seems like it could be a reality. But what to do with this degree that I'm going to put 6 years into when it's all said and done? Now of course I will probably work before I have kids and later when they're older, but building my career will definitely not be at the forefront of goals for my life.

I honestly don't think that any education is wasted education. I'm sure there will be people who disagree with my choice (like my parents), but I think that above all my vocation is to be married and have children. Those are the people that I am to serve in order to bring myself closer to God. Priests serve their congregations, religious serve by praying and working in the community, single people serve by their occupations and work in the community, and married people serve their families.

Worship and the Sacraments

So, I was just about to go to bed when I was browsing on Facebook one last time. I stumbled across this video made by some of the people at the Evangelical church I attended for a little over a year. As I mentioned in my first post, I am a Catholic revert. There was a time from age 16-19 that I never stopped believing in the entity of God, but I pretty much lost faith in everything else. I wasn't going to church (neither was my family) and I was getting into some bad situations. When I hit rock bottom I heard a radio commercial (on a secular station) asking me if I felt like my life was empty, and telling me to come to this church. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I will always remember and be grateful to this church for teaching me what it means to have an actual relationship with God, which is something I had always missed growing up in the Catholic Church.

Worship to Me from Isaac Varty on Vimeo.

One of the reasons I am so happy to be back in the Catholic Church is that I now realize what the Sacraments actually are. They are the ways that we can absolutely know that God's Presence is with us that that His Grace is being given to us. Back when I was 19 and was discovering who God is, Worshipping God through music was an amazing way for me to connect with Him, especially as I am musical and enjoy using those gifts for Him. But now, receiving the Eucharist is even more powerful than Worship music. Because not only is His Presence around me as I sing to Him, but it is actually going inside me and becoming physically a part of me. Amazing.