Babies and Selfishness

I get a bit sad when well-meaning Catholics say that marriage and parenthood isn't a vocation, that the only "real" vocation is that to religious life or the priesthood.

But in reality, I think a vocation is the major life shaper that is going to break you out of your selfishness so you can more fully follow God. But so many people don't see marriage that way, and with the ever evolving reproductive technology people have decided that kids are something that are meant to better fulfil themselves. Don't feel like you're "ready" to have a child yet? There's a pill for that. Did the pill fail? Don't worry, they can "get rid of it" for you. Did you wait too late to start a family and now you're not getting pregnant as easily as you hoped? In-vitro fertilization (IVF) works great!

Now, because of IVF, which has a high chance of producing multiple pregnancies at once, there is another way to micromanage your fertility. It's called "reducing" a pregnancy, and basically doctors abort all but one or two of the fetus' in utero. The link is to a New York Times article about the procedure.

A couple of quotes that really stood out for me in the article:

"I was right to be afraid [to have twins]. Studies report enormous disruption in families with multiples, and higher levels of social isolation, exhaustion and depression in mothers of twins. The incessant demands of caring for two same-aged babies eclipse the needs of other children and the marriage. It certainly did for us. There’s no doubt that life with twins and a third child so close in age has often felt all-consuming and out of control. And yet the thought of not having any one of them is unbearable now, because they are no longer shadowy fetuses but full-fledged human beings whom I love in a huge and aching way."

I feel like this is true for many people. Once they carry a baby to term they realise that the babies truly are people, not just ideas of people as they sometimes are perceived in the womb.

“In an environment where you can have so many choices, you own the outcome in a way that you wouldn’t have, had the choices not existed. If reduction didn’t exist, women wouldn’t worry that by not reducing, they’re at fault for making life more difficult for their existing kids. In an odd way, having more choices actually places a much greater burden on women, because we become the creators of our circumstance, whereas, before, we were the recipients of them. I’m not saying we should have less choices; I’m saying choices are not always as liberating and empowering as we hope they will be.”

This isn't the first time that this sentiment has been expressed. Studies have shown that compared with women in the 1970s, the overall happiness of women is declining. We have gotten ourselves into a society where it is difficult to raise a family on one salary (although it is definitely done), and women don't like it. Most of my friends say that if they can afford it, they would like to stay home with their kids. Then they almost feel guilty for saying it, as if it is selfish to want to raise your kids yourself. I will argue that it is less selfish to do without things so your children can be raised by yourself. I'm not saying women have to stay home. But, they sure should not feel guilty for wanting to stay home.

Choices give us control. Control over things that we shouldn't necessarily have control over. When we can micromanage aspects of our lives we start to feel a sense of entitlement, and then that selfishness that lives inside all of us comes out. It just breaks my heart that babies die for it.